CONSOLATION
by Soquilii
Summary: STAR TREK: VOYAGER: Episode addition to Unforgettable.


**Consolation**

Based on _Unforgettable_.

by Diane Running Horse

DISCLAIMER: Paramount owns the characters and the premise behind Star Trek.

Rated PG

Dedicated to Heather G.

Chakotay gave up trying to sleep. He sat on the edge of the bed, restless and irritated, running his fingers through his hair. Rising, he padded on bare feet to the replicator. 'Sassafras-root tea, hot,' he instructed. He took the mug to his blanket-draped recliner, leaned back and sipped the bitter beverage, letting his mind hammer at the locked door of his memory...the underlying cause of his insomnia.

It was useless. He reached for the papers left on the table the night before. They were wrinkled, tear-stained and fragile. The unfamiliar material still felt odd to his touch, accustomed as he was to keeping records on a padd. The words written there in old-fashioned pen and ink swam before his eyes. The man who wrote those words had rushed to record all he could before a phenomenon he named as _the Ramuran mind-wipe_ took effect. So badly did he want to keep these memories of a love affair that he had recorded every detail: the words she had spoken, nuances in her speech, how her eyes beheld his...how her hands touched his body.

He could recall finding the sheaf of papers folded and placed within his medicine bundle. At meditation one night in his quarters, he had reverently laid the folds back to reveal the sacred totems: a blackbird's wing, a carved stone, the akoonah. When he lifted the stone to his hands, the papers beneath unfolded. He picked them up curiously and began to read, his meditation forgotten. By nature quiet and reserved, Chakotay was astonished to read of fevered emotions; descriptions of passion - his _own_. For apparently, he had been deeply in love - something of which he had long despaired. And according to his detailed account, it had been with a woman called Kellin.

Having once been on Voyager as a _Tracer_, hunting a fugitive from her homeworld, she had returned. The hunter became the hunted as the Ramurans, a covert race with the ability to wipe the memories of others, were now tracing her. She had begged the Captain for asylum. As the officer assigned to investigate her story, Chakotay had learned something more: that they had fallen in love. Although the relationship had been wiped from Chakotay's memory, Kellin rekindled the flame. Then, asylum or not, the Ramurans had come after her to destroy her memory. Still in love with her and deeply wounded, Chakotay was forced to watch them take Kellin away.

He had recorded the memories he so desperately wanted to keep of her here, before his own memory wipe took effect. As the weeks passed, he frequently read the words he had written before he lost her memory forever, but even after reading, the memory would fade. Kellin! He could not even call up her face. Without his notes he would not have remembered her name.

Chakotay let his head fall back on the patterned blanket and shut his eyes. He'd always had lousy luck with women. So many had slipped in and out of his life, but none remained that he could call his own. The casual one-nighters of his Academy days...Sveta...Seska...Riley... He and B'Elanna had been close, but somehow it never went further. Then there was Kathryn...and that was over before it started. He sighed.

Well, he'd apparently found the love of his life and he couldn't remember a damned thing about it. It was frustrating, maddening - and lonely. The entire crew had experienced the same memory wipe, so there was no one in whom he could confide. He was like Kathryn in that sense - sentenced to a lonely command position where his personal feelings could not be an issue.

Well, sitting here wasn't doing him any good - wide awake now, moody and depressed. With an oath, he set the cup down. Folding the sheets of paper, he tucked them under his arm and headed for Sandrine's.

Funny how Tom's program had captured the atmosphere of the place right down to the smell. He stood in the entry for a moment, letting his eyes adjust to the dark, smoky ambience. To his surprise, Tom and Harry were here, at zero-three-hundred hours. Three of the regular Sandrine's characters were in play: the gigolo hovered over the hooker at the end of the bar while the bartender, studiously ignoring them, wiped the glasses with a towel. The only light bathed the pool table in harsh brilliance while blanketing the corners of the room in deep shadow. Tom, noticeably unsteady on his feet, sipped a drink while Harry bent over the cue, carefully lining up his shot.

Chakotay decided to forego a table and sit at the bar. With luck, the others would be gone soon and he'd have the place to himself. The holographic bartender swiftly wiped down the area, shooting a knowing glance at the circles under Chakotay's eyes.

'What'll it be, Commander?'

'Double bourbon...and override synthehol for alcoholic content, Chakotay Beta One.'

The bartender silently poured, then stepped away. Good for you, Tom, he thought, raising the glass, you didn't program him to make any snide remarks about how it's not good for me...'

The hooker disentangled herself from the insistent embraces of the gigolo and perched herself on the barstool next to Chakotay, who groaned inwardly.

'We don't see you in here often, Commander,' she simpered.

He stared straight ahead. 'No, I don't suppose you do.'

'Buy a girl a drink?'

Chakotay motioned the bartender to refill her glass. She placed a hand on his shoulder and felt him flinch.

'Something wrong?'

'Look, I don't want to offend you, but...'

The girl was hardened to rejection. 'You'd rather be alone. Think nothing of it, Commander,' she said airily. 'Thanks for the drink.' She sauntered back to the end of the bar. Chakotay could hear the faint exchange.

'What's the matter with him?' asked the gigolo. She smiled knowingly. 'Women.'

'Isn't it always?' he retorted.

Chakotay finished his drink and ordered another. He sat for a while, sipping, re-reading his notes and listening with half his mind to the game behind him. Tom was obnoxious when he drank, but he only drank when upset. Chakotay guessed the widening rift between Tom and B'Elanna, and the fact that Tom had received no messages from his father might be the cause. He also knew that B'Elanna was so distraught by the demise of the Maquis that Tom might be the last thing on her mind these days. For most of the crew, the news from home had not been joyous, but bittersweet - and sometimes downright heartbreaking.

The pool game ended suddenly as Harry's eightball loudly thocked into the pocket.

'Damn!'

'You can't expect to win all the time, Tom,' Harry smirked. 'Maybe you should stick to synthehol. Come on - let's call it a night.'

'Naw, one more game. Two outta three.'

'Tom, we've played the best three out of five,' Harry lied.

'We have?'

'Yes, we have - and it's late - I'm tired - and I'm going back to my quarters. And so are you.'

For the first time, they noticed the Commander seated at the bar.

'Chakotay!' Tom yelled. 'Care for a chance to beat Harry?'

Chakotay's reply was curt. 'Thanks, not tonight.' He folded the sheets away from Tom's prying eyes and placed them back under his arm. Too late. Tom, weaving, stumbled his way over to the bar, pulling his arm from Harry's grasp. 'Hey, what's that you got there? Is that paper?'

_Sometimes Paris is too damned nosy for his own good_, thought Chakotay. _He's also very drunk. Which I intend to get just as soon as they leave. _'Just some notes, Tom,' he said sternly, 'nothing that concerns you.'

Undaunted, Tom pulled at his arm. 'C'mon, Commander, just one game.'

'Later, Tom. Harry, take him to his quarters before I put him on report.'

There was no humor in the Commander's remark, and Harry hurried to comply. 'Aye, sir. Come on, Tom!' He took Tom firmly by the elbow and ushered him out, over Tom's increasing protests, which Chakotay could hear even after the holodeck doors had closed.

'Thanks, Commander. He was getting on my nerves,' said a familiar voice from the shadows across the room. Chakotay started, looked over his shoulder and peered into the darkness.

'Computer, full illumination.'

'Computer, belay that.' Kathryn, seated undetected in the shadows, threw up a hand against the light which blinked out immediately at her command.

_Damn_. Chakotay had come to Sandrine's with only one thought in mind: to bury his feelings in a drunken haze. He was off duty tomorrow; no one would be the wiser. With the Captain here, that avenue of escape was gone. He should have chosen another program; there were other holodecks, but...suddenly, he knew how foolish it was to resent her presence. After all, she was the closest thing to a confidant he had...

Janeway spoke again. 'Computer - soft candlelight only. Engage privacy locks. And while you're at it, delete all characters but the bartender.'

'Good choice,' he commented. He picked up his drink and approached her table.

'Mind if I join you?'

She motioned forward with her hand for him to be seated. On the table in front of her was a padd. She sat dejectedly, fisted hand supporting her chin, twirling an empty glass on the table. He moved to sit, but before settling himself, he watched her for a moment. Her body language spoke volumes. 'Kathryn, would you rather be alone?'

He was surprised when she shook her head. 'It's just that things haven't been too cheerful around here since we got our letters from the Alpha Quadrant. Thanks for being understanding with Tom. I'm aware of his situation with B'Elanna.'

'I know how he feels - to be shut out by someone he cares for - ' he stopped abruptly.

'At this hour, I came in here thinking I could be alone for a while,' Kathryn continued, as if not marking Chakotay's words, 'then here came Tom with Harry right behind him...' she sighed. 'I know, I should have engaged the privacy locks before. They didn't notice me sitting here and I didn't say anything. I didn't want them to know I was here. I figured they'd quit soon enough and leave me alone. But to tell you the truth...' she looked up from the glass she held balanced on its edge and her voice took on a familiar hoarse tone...'being alone is the last thing I need right now.'

He smiled at her. 'What are you drinking?'

'Gin and tonic. Not synthehol.'

'Nobody's drinking synthehol tonight,' he replied wryly, remembering Tom's behavior. He motioned the bartender over and quietly requested a refill of Kathryn's drink and his own.

While they waited for their drinks, they sat in a comfortable silence. Kathryn studied Chakotay in the dim light. There were circles under his eyes and he looked tired.

'Is something bothering you?'

'I could ask you the same thing, Captain.'

'Oh? Why?'

'Well, here we both are, drinking, not in our usual condition. Sounds like something's bothering both of us.'

A tiny smile found its way to the corners of her mouth. 'You're right. I've been...distracted lately...by the letter I got...from Mark.'

'I figured as much.'

'It's that obvious?'

The bartender arrived with their drinks and faded away. Chakotay immediately took a gulp of his before answering. 'To someone who cares a great deal about your feelings, yes.'

She wasn't sure how to react to that, so she turned tack.

'What about you?'

'Hmmm?'

'Chakotay, I've never seen you drink - not like this, anyway. What's wrong?'

'It wouldn't do any good to tell you. It's a matter that...no longer exists.'

'I don't understand.'

'No, no one does - no one would. I know you'd understand the scientific aspect of it if I explained it to you, but getting into what it meant to me...from the evidence it left behind...it's not something I can explain.'

'Is it Kellin?' she asked softly.

He shot a look at her and met the eyes of a friend. 'How could you possibly know that?'

'I thought it prudent to record as much of our experiences with the Ramurans as I could before the memory wipe took effect. We had spoken of her. You were in love with her, weren't you?'

'Apparently.'

He took the folded sheets of paper from under his arm and slid them across the table. She picked them up, fingers rubbing against the unfamiliar thinness of the medium and swiftly scanned the bold square handwriting. She slid the pages back toward him and regarded him sadly.

'I'm sorry, Chakotay.'

'I can't remember her, Kathryn. How is it possible to forget something like that?'

'The Ramurans' neurolytic emitter was very powerful - very efficient - and according to this man Curneth, using it was quite justifiable by their law. No one was left with anything...except my notes...and yours. To be honest...' she paused and Chakotay looked up from his drink at her. 'I wish the memory wipe could have erased Mark from my mind as completely as it took Kellin's from yours...'

He laid a gentle hand on hers - the candlelight was reflecting suspicious moisture in her eyes. He had never seen Kathryn this dejected, not even when they lost Voyager to the Kazon. This went deep within her. She was still hurting at Marks's defection - justified though it may have been. With the kind, understanding eyes of her First Officer locked with hers, she continued. 'We're left with only their memories, Chakotay...mine playing themselves over and over in my mind, and yours housed in words you have to read to remember.'

'At least I have the choice of whether or not to remember, Kathryn. If I chose to, I could jettison them. You'll have to carry your hurt for a long time.'

'I've been used to carrying hurts.'

'I know. Trouble is, you always seem to carry them alone. You never let your guard down. Wouldn't it be easier to confide in a friend?'

The silent bartender brought refills and glided away. Janeway waited until he was out of earshot. 'I suppose so.'

'Well, I'm the best friend you've got on board,' he said, taking his drink in two gulps. 'I'll listen - any time you're ready. Right now, if you want.'

Wasn't that just like him? Putting her needs ahead of his own. That had been his habit since they first met. 'I'll think about it. Now let's talk about you.'

'I don't think that's such a good idea.'

'Why not? This works both ways, you know.'

'I'm your second in command, Kathryn. You rely on me. It's difficult for me to appear vulnerable. It doesn't do you any good, nor me, and it damn sure doesn't help service this ship.'

Kathryn leaned across the small table. 'Look who's talking now. You're only human, Chakotay. You have a great capacity to feel - to love. To have given that over and over again and still come up empty - then you find Kellin and she's taken from you. It must be terribly difficult for you.'

At her tender words, Chakotay dropped his head into his hands. 'Kathryn...don't.'

'We've grown closer than I ever would have imagined four years ago. Remember when I told you that, once, I didn't even know your name...and now I can't imagine a day without you? I meant that, Chakotay. Even after we disagreed, and I was so afraid we had lost what we had together, I meant it. I want you to feel free to confide in me. We're all we have out here...now.'

'I suppose you're right...' Chakotay's voice had dropped to a hoarse whisper, and to Kathryn's dismay, a soft sob escaped his throat. She tenderly reached across the table and laid a cool hand on one of his. He clasped it and held it to his cheek. Warm tears cascading down his face trickled over her hand and before she knew what was happening, he had pressed his lips to it. He reached over and cupped her face in his other hand, which she clasped and held as gently.

They regarded each other tenderly as the candlelight flickered across their faces, each one in separate agony, which now shared, became more bearable. Their friendship moved a step further in that intimate moment, strengthening each of them, supporting them in their grief. Within the narrow confines of their positions, they at least had each other to lean on.

'Come on, Chakotay,' she said, rising from her chair. She disentangled her hand and pulled at his arm. 'Let's get you back to your quarters.'

The End


End file.
